DOWN

assalamualaikum blog tercinta

you're the only one yang listen to my thought(other than Allah of course)
well,result a levels da kuar semalam. and honestly,its not good! at all! i kept on crying sampai  hari nih. i was trying will all i had for it. i wonder why since masuk a levels,nothing goes well. A s teruk,x dpt straight a's. IELTS hina gila. 6.5 jer!!!!!!!!!!!!! jer!!!!!!!!!! a levels?? ABB!!!!!!!!!! damn it!!!!!!! idiot!!!bodoh !!!!!!11bebal!!!!!!!!!!!!

apa aku nak buat. uni x bagi keputusan lagi. tapi ada harapan ke untuk aku. i dont know who's going to listen to me.. i'm crying ALONE! i've always be ALONE!!!

you know what,the night before result,i'm trying to be strong myself,but i cant,becuz i need to be sttrong untuk ibu. that's her problem. didn't she ever realised my situation??? my FEELINGS??i felt DOWN but i cant even think about my own feelings. why do i always need to think about others feeling?? even if that is my mother,but,still??? aku ni kayu ke ??? i dont even have a chance to take care of my own feelings! aku penatlah. i gave up!

I GAVE UP! I GAVE UP! I GAVE UP!

after the results was out, i call her. hoping for a mother to comfort me< THAT WHAT A MOTHER SHOULD DO! but she?? she didn't even think about my feelings. sempat lagi tanya kawan2 ko macam mana? aku ni anak sapa nih? why bother asking about anak org lain sedangkan your own daughter is dying with her own feelings???? what us wrong with her?? kenapala aku adapat mak macam tuh ??

i wish,for even once,can she understands me? my feelings?? im so tired to think about everyone else. i want to think about myself,take care of my feelings,having a mom that can comfort me! BE THERE WHEn I NEED HER!! i dont even have any shoulder to cry on!

kenapa ibu x penah faham,yang aku sangat2 terganggu with her problem! HER PROBLEM!  evry time,every single time,bila aku nak study,she will call me,tell me all about her problems yang da beribu kali aku dengar! i say im okay but as a mother ,x tahu ke that IM NOT!!!!! IM NOTTTTTTTT!!!!!!  bila aku dgr citer dia jer,aku jadi stress,aku jadi migrain . ill cry..i cant even study. every single time.
masa nak exam. i wish dia x kan call me and make me stress thinking about her! tapi,ibu tuh!!!!!!!! x pernah faham. i was trying to study and fokus on my exam,but she still call me,telling me that problems all over again. make me stress again. make me x bole belajar. why?? because i will CRY!!! macam mana aku nak study kalau aku menangis??? macam mana nak lekat dalam kepala hotak nih kalau aku stress??? ibu x pernah sdar ke ????? SEDARLAH BU!!! KAK NGAH PENAT!!!!PENATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!

im trying my best to smile depan semua orang. but no one know apa yang aku rasa sebenarnya. apa yang aku lalui. aku rasa macam aku nih separuh gila. macam aku ada tekanan jiwa. sbb aku rasa stress sangat. at the end of the day,aku akan ckap sorg2! why?? cuz aku nak cakap ngn sape? nak citer ngn sape? i might be real crazy now,but one day,aku rasa aku akan jadi GILA! TERTEKAN!

im almost jumpe doctor,asking for pil penenang,because aku stress sangat! tapi alhamdulillah,Allah sentiasa ada. Dia sentiasa jadikan aku masih waras. Dia buat aku x ada duit,so that aku x leh minta doktor prescribekan ubat untuk aku. or else,silap2 aku da mati OVERDOSE!!! because aku mmg sangat2 tension! terutamanya bila A2 nih,aku selalu nangis. aku sdih! aku stress! aku tertekan dengan hidup aku! aku benci hidup aku! aku rasa nak pegi jauhhhhhhh,jauhhh sangat .to a place that no one will know me!

ill go to mabecs. hoping for clearing! i hope i can still get Warwick. for the time being,i dont wanna meet anyone. dont wanna talk to anyone. because there is no one yang akan faham apa yang aku rasa. no one akan faham apa yang aku lalui. no one!
hanya ALLAH yng akan faham.
ya Allah,permudahkanlah segala urusan aku. kekalkanlah kewarasan aku! jangan jadikan aku gila ya Allah. aku da hilang semangat. aku da rasa putus asa. aku rasa macam this is the end of my life. permudahkanlah urusan aku,amennn !